Why Am I Miserable During the Holidays?

The months of November -January can prove to be a difficult time for most individuals. Especially if throughout the year, they have found themselves in a different place compared to the beginning of the year. I’ve had clients around this time of the year feeling a sense of deep sadness because they are not in the holiday spirit. It is quite shocking how common this feeling arises. Here are some common holiday struggles that you may be experiencing in which REBT can help address:

• Perfectionism: feeling the need for a perfect holiday experience.

• Example: Striving to get the perfect gift and ensuring everyone will love them!

• Overwhelm: Dealing with the stress of holiday preparations and commitments.

• Example: Juggling work deadlines, social obligations, and shopping lists, leading to a sense of being stretched too thin.

• Social Anxiety: Navigating social gatherings and interactions during the holidays.

• Example: Feeling anxious about attending family gatherings, meeting new people, overly concerned about judgements and struggling with small talk.

• Family Conflict: Managing tensions and conflicts with family members.

• Example: Dealing with disagreements over holiday plans, differing opinions on traditions, and unresolved family issues resurfacing.

• Loneliness: Coping with feelings of isolation during a time often associated with togetherness.

• Example: Spending the holidays alone, missing loved ones who are far away, and feeling disconnected from the holiday spirit.

• Financial stress: Handling the pressure of holiday expenses and gift-giving.

• Example: Struggling to afford the desired gifts, managing increased spending during the season, and facing financial strain.

• Comparisons: Comparing your holiday experience to others and feeling inadequate.

• Example: Seeing social media posts of seemingly perfect holiday celebrations and feeling inadequate in comparison.

• Guilt and Obligation: Balancing personal desires and perceived family or societal expectations.

• Example: Feeling obligated to attend certain events or following specific traditions, even if they clash with personal preferences.

• Loss and Grief: Coping with the absence of loved ones during the holiday season.

• Example: Navigating the holidays after the loss of a family member, dealing with the emotional void, and finding ways to honor their memory.

• Time Pressure: Feeling rushed and struggling to meet holiday deadlines.

• Example: Trying to accomplish numerous tasks within a limited timeframe, from holiday shopping to meal preparations, leading to time-related stress. 

Now let’s explore effective strategies to navigate these challenges using REBT principles.

Brace Yourself: Identify the activating events that is contributing to your distress (e.g., family gatherings). Take time to prepare a list of these activating events so that you can make a conscious effort to be more prepared and proactive in managing your emotions and behavior.

Tackle Those Pesky Demands: Acknowledge any demands you may be making on yourself, others, or the world around you. (e.g., “I should give the perfect gift this year.”, “My aunt better not make a comment about my weight.”, “The snow better not make traveling more difficult than it already is.”).

Break Down Tasks: If there are many items on your to-do list, try your best to break down big tasks into smaller steps (e.g., decorating the house). Consider yourself walking up 5 flights of stairs. If you focus on the flights, of course you are going to exhaust yourself, but if you focus on one step at a time, you’ll be at the top in no time!

Try Not to Catastrophize when Comparing: Being able to objectively look at how your holiday is different compared to previous holidays or other people will help you put things in perspective. Maybe, compared to others, you do not have the type of family that can be able to get together and share traditions and as unfortunate as that may be, does that really make your holiday not worth enjoying? Ultimately, accept that not everything will go as planned and that’s bearable. It’s understandable that you want your holiday to be better than last or better in general, but the moment when you tell yourself, your holiday MUST be better, happier, and/or magically, you make yourself vulnerable to a lot of unhealthy negative emotions and self-defeating behavior. 

Continue identifying irrational beliefs, challenge them, and replace them with more rational and constructive thoughts, ultimately promoting emotional well-being during the holiday season.

Feel free to share in the comments previous tools that you use to help you through the holidays.