The Paradox of Protecting Your Peace: Why Avoiding Discomfort Can Be Self-Defeating
I’m not surprised that you have heard the phrase Protecting Your Peace when scrolling your social media or when your friend vents to you about how so-and-so are no longer in their lives. The concept of Protecting Your Peace describes a way to preserve one’s mental wellness by walking away (or blocking via social media) from situations or settings that is seen as non-beneficial and/or uncomfortable. This can often include difficult conversations with someone or experiencing stressful work environments. Unfortunately, in the pursuit of peace, it can sometimes lead to avoidance of necessary discomfort which ultimately impairs our ability to effectively communicate, problem solve, and step outside of our comfort zone.
Understanding Discomfort Anxiety
You will be surprised to learn that Protecting Your Peace can be the result of having anxiety. In Albert Ellis’ paper titled, Discomfort Anxiety: A New Cognitive-Behavioral Contruct, he introduced two types of anxieties: ego-anxiety and discomfort anxiety. Discomfort Anxiety is a main contributor to the notion of Protecting Your Peace. Albert Ellis defines discomfort anxiety as emotional tension that results when people feel that (1) their comfort (or life) is threatened, (2) they should or must get what they want and (3) it is awful or catastropic when they don’t get what they supposedly must. Simply put, we place a demand on ourselves that we MUST never experience discomfort. Then we go on to catasphrophize the discomfort by described it as something truly horrible and unbearable to experience! Of course, anything that we see as 100% bad we go into flight or fight mode and in this case, we take flight! It is our biological tendency to go for easy, short-term comfort such as avoiding things that can threaten our peace than it is to experience the long-term gain of reinforcing our resiliency when we were to endure the short-term discomfort such as awkward conversations or tension-filled conflict.
The Comfort Zone Trap and Discomfort Anxiety
During my time at Above and Beyond Family Recovery Center located on the Westside of Chicago, I struggled with collaboratively creating a treatment plan with the clients. I oftentimes obtained the client’s preference of the variety of amazing groups we offered and noticed that they would pick groups such as Yoga Therapy, Acupuncture, Joke Therapy, and Improv therapy, but avoid the process groups such as Family Trauma, Women Trauma, and Men Trauma. I noticed that these group created a sense of discomfort for clients who were new to recovery and did not feel comfortable processing their experiences openly. So the other groups were more fun and relaxing. The Executive Director shared with me that “Change does not occur within comfort” and this is when I learned about the comfort zone trap. The comfort zone trap refers to a psychological state in which individuals remain in familiar and comfortable situations or routines, often avoiding risks, challenges, or experience that would take them out of their comfort zones. In this situation, clients were used to avoiding difficult emotions by using unhealthy coping mechanisms such as I begin enhancing my part of the collaborative process and provided clinical recommendations based off of the intake and signed clients up for groups that would challenge them. I maintained the opportunity for clients to review their schedule after trying out groups at least 2-3 times. I found it a rare occasion that clients wanted to revise their schedule and opt our of the “uncomfortable” groups.
Through an REBT perspective, we understand that instead of experiencing uncomfortable situation, we make ourselves anxious about the feeling and avoid it all together, thus, Protecting Your Peace can be used as another way to shield self from negative emotions. Once peace is obtained within our comforts, with that said, anything that resembles a threat to our peace, we of course, try out best to “protect” it. This act of protection can be done prematurely and becomes a reactive response when it could be possible that the threat isn’t really a threat. That is true anxiety: catastrophizing events before they even happen! We can disagree with a friend and in an effort to cleanse your world from tension, it may be easier to stop talking and interacting with the friend. An act to preserve the peace all to avoid feelings of sadness, regret for objectively wrong behavior, or disappointment in the encounter.
The Cost of Avoidance
While staying in one’s comfort zone can provide a sense of secuirty and predictability, it can also limit personal growth, hinder learning, and prevent individuals from reaching their full potential such as building resilience for difficulties. We habitually start to enforce the belief that discomfort is always bad and should always be avoided. This is simply, not the truth. Nothing is as rigid as this. If we continue to avoid all uncomfortable interactions or settings we rob ourselves of potentially beneficial opportunities, strengthening friendships, learning more of what we are capable of.
Confronting Discomfort Anxiety
Discomfort anxiety can be identified when you examine your thoughts causing the emotion. Challenge your demand for constant comfort by asking yourself questions such as:
Why must things be easy?
Why must I have comfortable conditions all the time?
Why can’t I experience discomfort just because I don’t like it?
You will find that there is no evidence that supports you must always be comfortable.
Approach discomfort anxiety with curiosity rather than dread. Ask yourself what you an learn from uncomfortable situations and how they contribute to your growth. Not all conflict produce harmful results. Not all unfortunate events are unfortunate. We learn more about ourself during those events. It is also important to adjust your expectations to be more realistic. Recognize that life will have its ups and downs, and not everything can or should be perfectly comfortable all the time.
Embracing Discomfort for Growth with Courage
There were times that I advocated for myself at workplaces with the always present possibility of being fired loomed over my head, but I earned praise and respect from colleagues and bosses in my ability to effectively communicate my needs. If I maintained the mindset that I should Protect My Peace and not endure the discomfort of conflict with people in power, then I would not have recognized my own power. It takes courage to do something without having the guarantee that it’s the right thing to do. It’s the courage to belief that whatever the outcome, I have the willpower and abilities to handle it.
The Role of Communication and Vulnerability
Being uncomfortable means being vulnerable and no one enjoys this feeling. There are times in my life where I had conflict with friends and having difficult conversations felt severely uncomfortable, but it didn’t mean the conversations weren’t worth having. . Embracing vulnerability can lead to deeper connections and more authentic relationships.
Finding Balance
It is important for me to note that there is a need for balance between protecting one’s peace and confronting discomfort anxiety when necessary. There are times where protecting your peace is very valid. I wouldn’t want you to continue relationships that have proven to not be beneficial and healthy especially after communicating dissatisfaction and the relationship’s negative impact. That would be beating a dead horse and we don’t want to opt for misery. It is important to reflect on your own experience with discomfort anxiety and consider taking small steps towards confront it. The first step is by honestly asking yourself, am I avoiding this because I am uncomfortable in seeking the solution?
Conclusion
In conclusion, Protecting Your Peace is an essential practice for safeguarding your mental well-being, but it must be approached with a balanced perspective. While it is important to prioritize our inner calm and tranquility, it’s equally vital to recognize when our pursuit of peace may lead to avoidance of necessary discomfort. Discomfort anxiety, often rooted in our anxiety of the unknown, can keep us trapped within our comfort zones, limiting personal growth and stifling our potential. By challenging our believes about constant comfort, finding the courage to embrace discomfort for growth, and fostering open communication and vulnerability, we can strike a harmonious balance between protecting our peace and comforting the anxieties that may hinder our progress. It starts with the willingness to asking ourselves honestly: Are we avoiding discomfort because it genuinely threatens our well-being, or are we avoiding it simply because we’re uncomfortable in seeking solution? Finding that balance can lead to personal growth, strong relationships and a more resilient mindset in the face of life’s challenges.
