How Most of Your ANGER is Self-Created
You’ve read the title right. Most of the anger that you generate and experience is self-created. The distracted driver that cut you off this morning, the able-bodied individuals who sat in the wheelchair priority seating area on the train while an actual individual in a wheelchair watched with judgment (true story I’ll share for another time) or the kiss-ass co-worker who became manager and has started micro-managing you these events DID NOT MAKE YOU ANGRY, you did all by what you are telling yourself. I know… it’s a hard pill to swallow and a lot of people will take offense to this notion, but it’s really quite liberating.
Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy emphasizes that adversity (A) does not cause our emotional or behavioral consequences (C), but it’s our beliefs (B) that filters how we feel and react about the adversity. If you ask the next person, however, they will quickly protest that it was a person that made them angry and they are justified in their behavior of arguing, yelling, side-eyeing, etc. If we continue wandering around the world believe people are the cause of our emotions, of course we will have lack of control and blow up on every little (big) inconvenience. REBT places emphasis on understanding the role of irrational beliefs and thoughts in shaping emotions, rather than assigning blame for emotional experiences. The goal is not to make individuals feel responsible for all their emotions, but rather to empower them to recognize and modify their thought patterns for healthier emotional outcomes.
Why is it so easier for us to place the responsibility of our anger and the behavior that results onto external factors? We are not aware of how impactful our thoughts are and the adversity seems to immediately be the prime suspect during times of stress. Now, it doesn’t mean that Adversity we face in our every day lives do not contribute to our emotions, but our beliefs (i.e. our irrational thoughts) plays a HUGE part in which emotions we feel. It becomes our choice, at the end of the day. We can choose what we upset ourselves over and that can make us a force to be reckon with.
Anger Has Its Benefits…Sort Of
There is a reason why people make themselves angry compared to other unhealthy negative emotions. Anger can make us feel powerful in times we feel helpless and anger can produce results! Despite the feeling of inferiority and the results, anger can create more problems in the long-run. Sure we may feel powerful in moments where we are helpless, but how much respect and trust are you obtaining. You may get the results you wanted, but at what cost?
Getting Rid of Your Anger is for You!
When we make ourselves angry about someone’s actions or inaction, we face a lot of the turmoil than they would. When we resent others and curse their names, they oftentimes are not affected by our hate and we are plagued by the negative emotions. Our blood-pressure rises, we lose sleep thinking about their existence, and we go out our way to side-eye or shade them all because we feel like we’ve been done wrong and they should be punished. You make yourself, (as my mentor, Terry London would say) a Vengeful Angel.
It’s Better to Be Frustrated than Angry
Now, are you expected to be passive about external events that are outside of our control and just accept circumstances. Well, not exactly. To accept something being out of your control is different from liking it, and it certainly does not mean you have to be a saint. Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy recognizes that there are healthy negative emotions that enables us to act and obtain our goals even if it may feel uncomfortable. You can express your disappointment without anger such as frustration and annoyance, and have better results. You are more likely to get a meal comped at a restaurant after explaining to the server your meal was incorrect as opposed to yelling at them and questioning their competence.
