How to control Your Emotions IN THE MOMENT
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is a theoretical approach that focuses on identifying and challenging irrational beliefs that cause emotional distresses. After explaining the concept of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy to my clients, I am often met with a quizzical expression and the question: “Well, how do I do this in the moment?!”.
Ah, yes.
THE MOMENT. This is when irrational thoughts takes over, and unhelpful emotions like, anger, anxiety, depression, or guilt start to intensify.
Now, I do agree with my clients, it is difficult to imagine being able to think their way out of such intense emotions, but it is possible. Below I will share with you a step-by-step strategy as well as helpful tips to be proficient in catch your thoughts in the moment so you can maintain your relationships, not be overwhelmed by your emotions, and continue working toward your personal goals.
Take a Deep Breath
When you take a deep breath, you are signaling to yourself to CALM DOWN. When you are calm you have a lower chance of acting impulsively. Acting on impulse makes the moment more intense than they need to be. Focusing on your breath can bring attention to the present moment, helping to reduce the impact of the activating event you are experiencing.
I do not consider myself an expert in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, but I do utilize some helpful techniques that increase proficiency in regulating emotions for the reasons mentioned above. Box breathing, also known as square breathing, is a great deep breathing technique that you can pick up and put into practice. To begin, inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and pause for four before repeating.
When you are able to reduce the impact, you are giving yourself the opportunity to reset your emotional state. In moments of chaos (either real or perceived) it is ideal to regain control of the moment.
Begin the Dialogue
When we’re in the moment, emotions come on quickly, often before we realize it. For instance, if you’re stuck in a long line, you might feel anger building and believe the line is causing it. But the real cause is your belief about the line: “How dare this line be slow; I have places to be!” In sessions, I encourage my client to begin the dialogue. As soon as you notice that you’re getting angry, anxious, depressed, etc., I check-in with myself and start inquiring, “What am I thinking right now?”.
Identify the Irrational Thoughts
Knowledge is power my friend. A large part of my therapy sessions are dedicated to psycho-education; teaching my clients new terms and understanding of their mental health and their beliefs. I often time review the four irrational thoughts that Albert Ellis discovered that leads to unhealthy/unhelpful negative emotions. Throughout repetition, my clients are able to identify irrational thoughts when they notice them. When you are in the moment, it will be helpful to followup that dialogue with an accurate identification of your irrational thought. Once you are able to identify the irrational thoughts, you are more than halfway toward goal-oriented behavior.
Just a quick review, here are for examples of the irrational thoughts with the activating event of waiting in a long line:
Demands: “How dare this line be slow!”
Awfulizing/Catastrophizing: “It’s terrible to be in such a slow line!”
Low-Frustration Tolerance: “I can’t standing having to wait here any longer.”
Condemning/Labeling: “My entire morning is ruined!”
Dispute the Irrational Thoughts
When Albert Ellis created Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, he was influenced by Socrates. The impressive thinker is well known for his line of questioning during debates, it’s literally called Socratic Questioning. This method of communication intentionally challenges an individual with open-ended questions that can often times begin with, Why? Usually this line of questioning will leave an individual stumped and realize that there is no clear answer or explanation. This line of questioning is pivotal when challenging irrational beliefs. Irrational beliefs quite simply are illogical, so it stands to reason that when you start to challenge and question your irrational beliefs you realize how irrational they truly are! Ask yourself: Why must the line move faster? What evidence do I have that I should never have to wait in line? Could I tolerate this experience if I think differently about it?” The more you try to answer the question, the more you realize, there is no answer…at least not the answer that you’ll like.
Reinforce Your New Rational Thoughts
After disputing your irrational thoughts, you’ll arrive at a more rational, flexible way of thinking. For example, your thoughts could shift from “How dare this line be this slow!” to a more balanced perspective like, “I’d prefer this line move faster, but I can tolerate the wait.” This shift in thinking is crucial because our beliefs shape our emotions and behaviors.
The next step is to actively reinforce these rational beliefs. Just like any new habit, it takes repetition to truly believe it and make it a default response. Here are a few tips to help:
Repeat your new rational thought: Once you’ve identified and embraced the more flexible belief, practice repeating it to yourself, especially in moments of emotional intensity. Repetition helps solidify the new thought patterns.
Challenge yourself in real-life situations: When you’re in a similar situation in the future, remind yourself of this new way of thinking. Each time you apply it in real life, remind yourself of this new way of thinking. Each time you apply it in real life, you’re reinforcing the healthier, rational belief.
Acknowledge small wins: Recognize when your new rational thoughts lead to more manageable emotions and better reactions. For example, instead of feeling intense anger, you may notice that your new belief helps you feel calm or patient, allowing you to handle the situation with more control.
*BONUS: Remember You’re Human and Practice Makes Perfect…Better
Remember, progress takes time. Each time you challenge irrational thoughts, you’re building mental resilience. While practice won’t make things perfect, it will certainly make you feel better equipped to handle emotional challenges, especially in the moment!
Click here for an infographic of 4 Ways to Catch Your Thoughts
