You Probably Won’t Get the Apology You Deserve: Here’s How to Live Without It

Apologies provide acknowledgment and understanding of the wrongdoing we experienced—whether real or perceived. It’s completely understandable that, after facing injustice or unfairness, you may want an apology.
Keyword: want.

The desire for an apology is healthy. But when we turn that desire into a rigid demand —“I NEED an apology or closure to heal”—we often begin to act in ways that ironically make it less likely we’ll receive one.

Let’s look at some of the common behaviors we display when we act beside ourselves in pursuit of an apology:

Common Apology-Seeking Behaviors (That Usually Backfire)

• Yelling or Raising Your Voice
  Trying to force acknowledgment through volume or intensity.

• Screaming or Crying Out of Anger
  Emotional escalation when not feeling heard or validated.

• Rehashing the Incident Repeatedly
  Going over the situation in detail over and over, trying to make them get it.

• Sending Long Paragraph Texts or Emails
  Explaining every angle, often with emotional pleas or demands for ownership.

• Withdrawing Affection or Connection Until Apology Is Given
  Emotional cutoff or stonewalling until the other person “comes around.”

• Using Guilt or Shame Language
  “I would never do that to you.” / “You made me feel worthless.”

• Involving Third Parties (Triangulation)
  Bringing in mutual friends or family to validate your position or pressure the other person.

• Keeping a Scoreboard of Wrongs
  Listing past grievances as leverage for why an apology is owed.

• Ultimatums or Threats
  “If you don’t admit it, I’m done.” / “Say sorry or we’re through.”

• Public Shaming or Calling Them Out Online
  Using social media or group settings to force accountability.

• Repeating the Phrase “You Know What You Did”
  Insisting they should already know, even without clear communication.

• Demanding Specific Wording
  Not just wanting an apology—but needing it to be phrased exactly a certain way.

• Refusing to Move On Until the Apology Is Perfect
  Rejecting partial ownership or repair unless it meets strict, idealized standards.

Let’s be honest: some of these behaviors might look a little too familiar. That’s fine. There’s no shame here. We are all vulnerable to being irrational—especially when it involves something we care deeply about.

In sessions, I’ve had clients tell me:

“I need an apology to move on.”
And I always pause here to ask—what does that belief actually mean?

If you truly need an apology to feel okay, what happens when you can’t get one? Whether it’s because the person refuses to give it, denies wrongdoing, or simply isn’t around anymore?

When we tie our healing to someone else’s acknowledgment, we hand over our emotional power. We wait. We spiral. We delay peace.

At Restartt, we teach clients that it’s reasonable to want an apology, but not helpful to require one in order to move forward. You can learn to tolerate the discomfort of unfairness. You can change the beliefs that are holding you emotionally hostage. And you can reclaim the peace you’ve been waiting for, without needing someone else to hand it to you.