The Thin Line Between Being Intolerant and Being Disrespectful
In today's politically charged climate, we often encounter people whose views differ drastically from our own. Recently, a client revealed to me that they had lost respect for a family member due to differing political views on abortion. As they recounted their experiences, I became more intrigued. The client even went so far as to express extreme disgust for their family member, refusing to be in the same room or breathe the same air. It became clear that the behavior went beyond disrespect and was a cause for concern. I explained the difference between intolerance and disrespect, and encouraged the client to choose the healthier option.
Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) distinguishes between healthy and unhealthy negative emotions. Healthy negative emotions are normal responses to complex events, while unhealthy negative emotions can lead to destructive behavior or inaction. To differentiate between the two, we must identify the core beliefs or thoughts that cause them. During times of adversity, our self-talk is a key factor in determining our emotions and behavior, not the adversity itself.
When examining my client's situation, it became clear that their family member's differing political view on abortion was not the direct cause of their emotional and behavioral disturbance. Rather, it was their internal dialogue that was causing their distress. The client's negative self-talk included thoughts such as "It's awful that my family member has this view and I can't bear being related to her!" and "What an absolute idiot they are for having such a view that they shouldn't have!" These thoughts led to the client's intolerant behavior and feelings of resentment.
Intolerance refers to a lack of acceptance or respect for individuals or groups who are different from oneself. It often involves negative beliefs or attitudes towards people who have different beliefs, cultures, or lifestyles, and may manifest in discrimination, prejudice, or bias. Intolerance can be harmful and can lead to social exclusion, conflict, and violence.
On the other hand, losing respect for someone usually refers to a personal judgment or evaluation of someone's character or behavior. It may stem from disappointment, disagreement, or a violation of personal values or boundaries. Losing respect for someone doesn't necessarily involve negative beliefs or attitudes towards the person's identity or group membership, but rather their specific actions or behaviors.
Intolerance involves a negative attitude towards individuals or groups who are different from oneself, while losing respect for someone involves a negative evaluation of a specific individual's behavior or character.
Our goal in sessions was not to persuade my client to accept their family member's views solely due to their familial relationship. Rather, it was to help the client accept their family member's choice, without becoming emotionally disturbed. We focused on the client's rigid demands and catastrophic thoughts, and worked on cultivating unconditional other-acceptance for the family member. This allowed the client to increase their tolerance towards their family member, while reducing resentment and anger-based behavior.
In conclusion, intolerance and losing respect for someone are two distinct concepts that can often be confused. In today's politically charged climate, differing views can cause significant emotional and behavioral distress. Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) emphasizes the importance of identifying unhealthy negative emotions and the core beliefs or thoughts that cause them. In the case of the client who lost respect for a family member due to differing political views, it was their internal dialogue that was causing their distress, rather than the family member's views themselves. Through sessions focused on cultivating unconditional other-acceptance and reducing rigid demands and catastrophic thoughts, the client was able to increase their tolerance towards their family member. By understanding the difference between intolerance and losing respect, by way of identifying core beliefs, we can work towards greater empathy and understanding in a polarized world.
