Battle the Bane of Back-to-School Burdens…without the Burnout! | Part 1

For some, the school year has already begun; for others, it starts soon. I have 2 daughters who have both started school. Already, my mind is a hot-mess-express, a hotbed for swirling anxious thoughts and fears.

Will my girls get good grades? Will my 8th grader do well enough on the high school entrance exams to get into a good high school downtown Chicago? How will my sophomore manage getting a driver's license? Will they be safe from school shootings? Will they be bullied? Will they stay away from drugs and alcohol? And boys/dating...let’s not even go there!

If you’re feeling the way I am, rest assured, we are not alone! Recent surveys indicate that approximately 66% of parents experience back-to-school stress. (5wps.com) And stress is a major pain! It can feel like racing thoughts or sleep issues. It can show up as impatience, yelling, fatigue, or dashing toward that glass (or bottle) of wine.

How are we parents going to survive another school year that’s barely started? How are we going to balance work with our parenting responsibilities? How will we afford life? How will we make it through all these sporting, school, work, family, and social events without looking and feeling like dishrags?

Over the next few months, we’re going to use Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy’s simple but hard-as-hell steps to not only survive the Bane of Back-to-School Burdens without the Burnout, but actually enjoy the journey.

Recently in my career, I was drawn to learn and implement Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) because it emphasizes that we control our emotions, which govern behavior. No person or situation has that power. Even though we don’t control a situation, we do control our thoughts, so let’s start there.

One of REBT’s governing principles is the difference between Rational and Irrational Beliefs. As parents, we have a healthy desire to be the best parent that we can be; sounds good, right?

• I want to do everything perfectly to be a good parent! (Rational Belief)

I really do! I love my kids and want to do my best to meet all my obligations. But. I’m human. I’m not always going to succeed and do things perfectly, but that’s okay. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m a good mom and when I fail, I will try to do better next time. This approach leads to Healthy Negative Emotions, another tenet of REBT.

• Regret for mixing up the “wacky hair day” and my daughter going to school with wild hair while no one else did.

• Disappointment for being stuck in traffic that made me late for pickup.

• Sadness for missing the school play that they worked so hard on because I was on a work trip.

We run into trouble when we shift from a healthy preference to a demand/have-to/must!

• I must do everything perfectly to be a good parent! (Irrational Belief)

This is an unrealistic expectation. We’re humans; it’s impossible to do everything perfectly, no matter how hard we try. This mindset of changing a healthy preference of “wanting to do things perfectly” to a demand “we must do things perfectly” leads to Unhealthy Negative Emotions.

• Anger at myself for mixing up the “wacky hair day” and my daughter went to school with wild hair while no one else did.

• Anxiety for being stuck in traffic that made me late for pickup.

• Depression for missing the school play that they worked so hard on.

The first thing we do in REBT is to challenge and dispute that Irrational Belief:

• If everything is not done perfectly, does that make me a bad parent?

  • Of course not! Instead, I tell myself: I would prefer that things were done perfectly, but that’s not always going to be the case, and I will keep trying to do things the best way I know how.

This leads to Healthy Negative Emotions like concern, sadness, regret, remorse, disappointment, and frustration vs Unhealthy Negative Emotions like anxiety, depression, rage/anger, guilt/embarrassment, and jealousy.

More REBT skills and tools are coming, but for now I invite you to start challenging those Irrational Beliefs to avoid Unhealthy Negative Emotions and replace them with flexible preferences, which lead to Healthy Negative Emotions.

Please feel free to share, comment, and let me know how this worked for you. If you have topics you’d like addressed in my next blog post, please contact me at angela@restartt.work.